Stream Blog - Janet PearlmanJanet Pearlman | Living in the Stream of Yes

October 19, 2021
by Janet Pearlman
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Uplift Irritation and Choose Compassion

We can find ourselves so irritated at another. Maybe that annoying person feels upset or afraid herself and projects out at you. That person wants to start a fight. Is there a better way to respond? Yes there is. Read on.

Maura attended an exercise class with a woman named Noreen.

Noreen resented Maura for her skill level which was a bit higher. Noreen did not approve of some aspects of Maura’s lifestyle.

The “Mean” Act

Maura wanted to remain calm, contained and be as friendly as she could toward Noreen. At times though, Noreen would say hurtful things. One time Noreen whispered in Maura’s ear deliberately provocative words demeaning her character, a form of bullying behavior.

Try as she might to shield herself, inside Maura felt hurt.

Week after week N came to the class and M did too. How could M handle herself so that she did not attract unwanted from N? How could she wield her power in both self-protection and compassion?

M caught herself worrying about the next meeting. M felt her resentment, her own fear—she reviewed those. Wait a minute! What is wrong with this picture?

Time Out! Wait a minute! We know review of unwanted brings more of it!

Instead, Maura pivoted her thinking.

The Pivot

She began to imagine what delighted her—and what was going well. In other sectors of her flow, much in her life was popping with progress. New clients, opportunities to speak, and more.

For many weeks Maura successfully avoided N. If N came to class, they interacted in cordial demeanor.

In one class after many weeks Maura felt tired and depressed. N interacted and made some unkind gestures and references.

A class event was coming up and Maura wanted to enjoy it. Our star M took deliberate action: she practiced her good mood. She kept in her mind feelings and images that supported and cheered her. This woman recalled times she really enjoyed this class and how good her body felt. M amped up her loving connection.

The Event

The day of the event came. Driving to the meeting hall our heroine found herself at the wrong building. M could feel the habit to start bad mouthing the organizers and complaining. Whoa there! She caught herself and sat quietly a minute. No let’s shift that thinking.

Soon she was out of her car and just then Noreen pulled up and parked. M stopped on the sidewalk to wait and walk in with N. She chatted and made conversation.

In a few minutes while the organizers relayed last minute plans and instructions, N stood near M. With a start M glanced at N and saw N’s fear filled eyes. “Oh my, thought Maura, “Noreen’s terror is probably fueling her unkind comments.” When Maura processed this, she realized the “attack” had been nothing personal. For M it was easier to maintain her higher vibration when she saw the pain in N’s gaze.

In the day’s proceedings, M noticed and acted on opportunities for showing kindness and support to Noreen.

Maura experienced mostly ease during this class “game.” M enjoyed her part and kept her focus on sending light to her teammates and the viewing fans.

Isn’t it satisfying to view how one woman used her power inside, shifting her internal landscape? M uplifted herself and those around her. Instead of a conflict, both parties had fun!

What successes are you having using your power to change inside first to make a difference? Please comment and share them! We all love inspiration!

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The author wants to respond to concerns and questions from readers. Do you have a circumstance about which you could use a hand shifting your point of view? Please comment with your suggestion or question. Together we are creating a more satisfying journey! Really please ask for what you would like to know to shift your thinking!

About the Author

Janet Pearlman is a spiritual teacher, counselor, healer and artist. She has a gift for inspiring others to know themselves compassionately and to develop skills of empowerment. In her forty-three-year journey of self-discovery, she has deeply studied the teachings of Abraham-Hicks, Ernest Holmes and more. Janet offers individual sessions by phone and in person. Please contact her at jpearl@streamofyes.com to arrange an appointment.

October 12, 2021
by Janet Pearlman
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How Contrast Helps Us Awaken

As we pursue this path of becoming more aware of what we are feeling, we start to appreciate the enormous benefit of this process. Sure, we face spilt milk, fender benders, dips in the market and much more. Life feels so different when we use these incidents to increase our insight about ourselves and learn another bit about how to recover and feel good again. Part of my growing edge is that I change these habits of thinking, noticing when the thought starts and then pivot.

An Illustration

Della left the key in the ignition by accident overnight, and next morning her car had a dead battery. D felt the impulse to go into self-blame: time she skipped it.

Our star handled dealing with the car service, some rescheduling and then she kept going. Wow she felt like she walked through a door to a new world. What a change! It was so much easier and more pleasant to bag the self-castigation. The dear woman created a new and higher quality of living.

Highway Navigation

What if we treated every blip in our lives as we do those ridges on the edge of the highway? When driving if we veer toward the guard rail, those indentations in the asphalt create a sound, an indicator that the car is out of the lane. What if we treated this unwanted showing up as we do that noise? We shift our focus toward going straight again back in the lane. So often we review and discuss the “blip”. Let’s get our eyes back on how to move forward toward what we enjoy.

How revolutionary! In driving one would rarely concern oneself over a few seconds of hearing the whine of driving on the ridges. I recommend skipping the story about the problem and its ramifications, i.e. forfeiting mentally reviewing to assess cause, including passing over any assignment of blame to others or myself.

Let’s “Keep Our Eyes on the Prize” and not look back! Let’s feel into the boost of energy this provides us! Such a different life to let go of what drains us and pay attention to what we want to create, and to keep going.

We get to experience what is not preferred and get the payoff of more clarity on what we DO want. The unwanted launches the expansion of our world, “rocket fuel” toward where we are going. Then both wanted and unwanted are both ok. It’s a new lifestyle with significantly less stress and lots more enjoyment.

Please report on your experiments with noticing or skipping your review of “what happened that you did not like,” and then shifting. Comments encouraged! Great to go for more ease! I cheer you on!

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October 5, 2021
by Janet Pearlman
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Relax to Retrieve What is Lost

Isn’t it great that we are building our knowing of our self-worth! With greater self esteem we can relax more easily when we cannot find an item among our stuff. Perhaps in the past we had a habit of getting angry or worried when missing something we need or love. Maybe we used do tell a self-blame story or some other self-put-down.

No longer! Please read how one person turns to soothing herself, chilling out before embarking on a search for what is mislaid.

Dana received a beautiful red cashmere scarf with black pom poms. Discovered in a consignment shop, this item sported a designer label and felt ooey-gooey soft to the touch.

Immediately Dana started to wear her new neckwear often. Involved and happy in life, D threw on her outwear on many days, pulled it off when home and threw it in a pile, kept enjoying her many activities.

One day our heroine noticed she no longer found her new treasure in the pile of other scarves. Where was that wrapping? Not showing up. Uh oh. Look here, look there. Run to another room, rummage. Part of her knew she needed to chill out and trust herself to find it (Recommended action😊). But no Dana kept thinking about it. Imagining scenarios of where it was laid. Oh my soon D realized she was obsessed.

Ok this dear woman came awake. “Oh my,” she heard her mind, “Where is it? Where could I have mislaid it,” a refrain repeated with varying intensity.

Switching, she soothed herself, “I owned it only one week. Obviously, my bright future is not contingent on this winterwear! If I lost it, I remain a sterling person of good character. Let’s make this happenstance ok.

I am feeling embarrassed at the loss and afraid. Yes, I may have made a mistake here, but I can accept myself if I lost something beautiful. My value is not dependent on owning this piece of clothing.”

After years of inner focus, Dana had resilience toward Goodness. She knew herself as competent and adorable. This protagonist remembers, “Things Are Always Going Well For Me!”

D did enjoy the flow of her life! After three days, our gal went into her art room and there under a chair in the corner, she spied a bit of red and black pom poms. OMG! She had accepted the loss of it and there it was. Hey Ho! her strategy worked: she calmed herself, let it go and the Universe led her back to it. Our star felt great be reunited with this lovely present.

Dana now thought:

“Boy when I get obsessed with something, I have a strong pull to keep at it. Focusing like that, I become temporarily blind to relaxing and other possibilities. It does not feel good at all!
I am learning some of my habits of thought. YAY I am catching myself more and more and then pivoting to a soothing stance.
With the awareness of what I had been doing, I become keener at knowing when I am off track. It is very cool to learn greater skill at this shifting and to let it take some time.
I am ok now, and I can make it ok whatever shows up on the journey of my life.”

We easily inspire one another as we share our entries self-discovery and growth. Want to comment? Please do!

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September 28, 2021
by Janet Pearlman
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Aware We Reach for Source Energy

We want to enjoy our lives, and we want to be happy. With so much negative thinking around, we are wise to collect tools to uplift ourselves each day. We can stoke our inspiration with the following:

The Force of Good is pouring down around and through, coursing through our veins, always present. We are composed of this Good!

Dream Emerging, 24 x 30, Acrylic with Texture on Canvas, $395

I. Ernest Holmes

These words from Ernest Holmes, author of Science of Mind and other work, may lift your spirits.

“Crying out to life, beseeching it to be good, has no effect whatsoever on It. It already is good, Asking it to give you life produces no good results: It has already incarnated in you as you. But inward awareness unifies the intellect with Life and binds the personal man back to the Universal Presence. (emphasis by blog author) This is what is meant by spiritual understanding and realization.”[1]

II. Quickie Uplift Images

A person sits in a brightly lit room, hands over her own eyes. She complains that it is so dark.

A fellow uses a vacuum cleaner. He works diligently running that machine over the floors in every room. “This thing doesn’t work,” he cries, and then in realization, “Oh Wait! I did not plug it in!” We bring in Good when we consciously connect to Good!”

We can slide a little screen open on my forehead– perceive the flow right there available.

Good pours down, around and through us continuously. We imagine tentacles extending out from our head, flowing up and wrapping into that Good flowing all around us.

III. More Holmes

“That which God is, God has given fully unto me to enjoy….. That life is God’s gift to me. Therefore, this fullness is within me, ready to manifest through me as I partake of it, since I am self-choosing, even though Divinely endowed. I partake of my Divinity only as I let it through. I am always in the midst of plenty everywhere.”[2]

“As we come to surrender all littleness and all fear and doubt, that great river of Life flowing from the Mind of God will renew our vigor, remake out strength ennoble our being, heal our bodies and bring peace to our hearts. As out thoughts are cleared of all that is unlike Him who created us, they come receptacles for the outpouring of all that is good, wonderful and true.”[3]

“Just as the warm rays of the sun will melt the largest iceberg, so a persistent inner perception of the abiding Over-Presence will heal our fears whether they be conscious or subjective; will straighten out our repressions be they every so deeply buried in the unconscious…. To live in conscious communion with Life even for a short time will convert our fears into faith, our doubts into certainty, our hurt and sense of failure into something triumphant.”[4]

Why not play with this conscious connecting. See what happens. What fun if new insights pop in and more of what you desire flows to you!

Please comment with your reactions to these quotations and inspiring thoughts. What are some words that inspire you?

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[1] Ernest Holmse, The Art of Life, (New York: JeremyP. Tarcher/ Penguin Books, 1997) 93

[2]Ibid, 148

[3] Ernest Holmes, 365 Science of Mind,(New York, Jeremy P Tarcher/Penguin, 2007)111

[4] Ernest Holmes, The Art of Life, (New York: JeremyP. Tarcher/ Penguin Books, 1997) 42. originally published by Ernest Holmes 1947

September 21, 2021
by Janet Pearlman
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Awake to the Flow

Do we see the benefit of keeping our focus on What We DO Want? Are we paying attention? We feel more delight in the process as we reach for feeling good and then fun things show up. Have we noticed incidents like these?

I. Number One

Harriet had begun assisting a friend with a form of energy medicine. That dear one had much on her medical agenda. The docket involved seeing new practitioners, visiting her specialist at a university hospital and caring for herself and her regular responsibilities.

In response to H checking in, the friend wrote she did not want our star’s help that week. At first Harriet felt disappointed. Then quickly she realized she now had time to spend on her own creative projects.

Punchline: The next day a former client who had experienced her work years ago wrote to ask if H could see her for a series of sessions starting that very week. Our heroine now had the free schedule! Wow another opportunity to serve had quickly appeared.

II. Number Two

Kaitlin was driving to town and noticed she needed a restroom promptly. This heroine knew where she could find that resource, pulled in to a service station and walked over to that important door. Oops, the facility was in use for the moment. In a short time, the door opened and out walked the recent occupant. The stranger cried, “Oh do I know you from Penn Park? Are you my neighbor; you look so familiar?”

Kaitlin responded, “Well I don’t recognize you, and I don’t reside at Penn Park. Thank you for being so friendly. Many right now are so ready to say something not so welcoming.

Woman said, “Oh I work here, don’t I know what you mean!” Our protagonist continued, “In this dramatic time I have made it a point to notice what I can appreciate in another. I take the initiative to offer this bit of fun..”

Woman, smiling, said, “Isn’t that great! I am so glad I spoke to you.” From this unexpected stop both women got a shot of uplift and extra boost.

III. Number Three

Marjorie had not been to this swimming hole very often in summer months. This year a good friend, Viv, organized a group of women to visit this lake over the mountain.

Marjorie loved the park like shady, grassy park area and the small beach surrounding the water. Featured was plenty of swimming area in clean clear water. And wowee, this place was a beautiful spot for September.

She thought, “Wouldn’t it be fun to go one more time before the season ended?” For sure, M had lists of creative tasks for her focus. Could she also have another wonderful day at this location?

Marjorie felt happy thinking about it and texted Viv with her dream. Viv responded immediately, “Pack up now and be at my house in 85 minutes!” The trip was on! M’s wish was coming true!

Have you been playing with feeling good first and then putting out your desires? Please share some success stories: those tales inspire us all!

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September 14, 2021
by Janet Pearlman
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Building Self Esteem

Some of us may have a habit of thought with some version of “I am not sure I can. I feel inadequate to pull off this next step.” We may gain value from reading about how one person gained momentum on building self esteem with focused effort in mere months not years.

For sure, Teresa felt enthusiasm for sharing tools and tips for cultivating happiness. This gal had studied this topic for many years and daily practiced in her own life.

Background

T had presented on the subject and those in attendance responded energetically and enjoyment. In break out pods T engaged participants in discussions where they shared what they love, things for which they are grateful and wonderful memories. The session led those at first unknown to one another together, each listening attentively and making new friends. Her program served as a great ice breaker at that conference!

A few days later T was sent structured feedback which included a few comments which were critical in nature. Reading the “evaluation” our heroine felt taken aback by those negative statements. The conference organizer seemed to give those remarks on the survey credence and seemed to communicate some disappointment with T’s performance. Teresa was a first timer presenting and had prepared for this opportunity for half a year. T felt flooded with discouragement.

In the same month that she accepted the invitation to speak, our star also was invited to teach tips on inspiration at an adult education center. The date for the class was approaching. Would she promote it? Did she feel ready to be a cheerleader for this?

Preparation: Mojo Flows

To build her self-esteem and to support her confidence for this next class, our protagonist took these steps. She:

Recalled how she felt when she began this venture.

Flowed with her excitement about helping others enjoy their lives more.

Visualized what felt good about this opportunity.

Thought, “Hey I have cultivated happiness for myself, practicing what I teach, improving bit by bit.

Going further our heroine ruminated, “I find it so enjoyable to impart what I have integrated to those ready to improve their lives with greater awareness to their thoughts and feelings. If they follow the steps, it is so advantageous to their lives! The stuff of this self-mastery definitely changes lives!”

Now feeling inspired this dear woman put forth, “Well let’s see if I can put together a flyer for this class.” Teresa found a great template, discovered a visual that would work successfully. Content came to her. A friend both cheered on her first attempt and made a few on target improvements.

T publicized the event. Continually, this presenter immersed herself in how good it feels to teach this material. In developing the flyer and picturing people receiving it, she remembered the “how” of being happy herself. Some respondents cheered her on and complimented her flyer. She got some mojo going!

No Go

The coordinator at this second venue notified her that there was not sufficient enrollment for the class to run. In a year this class would be advertised again to solicit enrollment.

T felt a dip and then continued to recall how good it felt to feel this energy running, how she excelled at both imparting this info and in living it. 😊

Angel Kiss

Next day, Teresa was having a good day and went food shopping. Filling her basket in the store, she bumped into an acquaintance. That person asked what she was currently into and T shared that she was planning to teach cultivate happiness.

“Oh I am very interested in that,” declared the friend, “Please send me the materials so I can participate. Don’t forget!”

Wow that felt like an angel kiss! Unbidden grace! Validation that many will want this offering. A welcomed message of “Keep Going.”

Another Sign

One woman had indicated “going” to the posting on social media (before the days of so many events online). Since the respondent resided in North Carolina, our heroine assumed this person was not really planning to attend. T knew this NCer and Teresa reached out to her. Know what happened? Our star arranged a private online session focused on “Living an Inspired Life!” So that mojo going produced immediate result! Pretty Cool!

Isn’t it good to see how the Universe sent those to her?

The more one practices noticing outdated thinking and turning it around, the better one uplifts oneself and the faster the process works. Want to put a toe in this water and try it out? If you do, please share your results. We all benefit by supporting one another!

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September 12, 2021
by Janet Pearlman
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Stories of Personal Power

We have wanted to enhance our personal power more than we easily do now. Ernest Holmes stated this:

“I realize that all the Good there is, all the Presence there is, all the Power there is, is immediately available and responsive to my acceptance. “[1]

Bit by bit these posts are explaining how we can find this more and more. The stories contain everyday examples of how the protagonist focused in a specific way and got some results. Here are two:

Story # 1

Candy was asked to co-lead a poetry group at the local community center. The other co-leader felt a bit intimidated by the diversity of those attending and by how they behaved. Some members seemed to dominate the gathering, one even making a couple of comments that bordered on belligerent. Some were so much more outspoken personalities than others. What to do?

Candy wanted to encourage more harmony in the attendees. Her approach was to offer each member respect, to assist in creating a space where each person was afforded time and attention on their turn to read their pieces. C had given some thought to this situation. C mused, “Let’s see if we can focus on what we DO want here and not talk about behavior we don’t like.”

When it was her turn to read a poem, our star read ones that felt uplifting, relishing beauty, and looking for the best in humans.

Even in the first meeting the group behavior stabilized. One man who had previously dominated discussion went out of his way to be supportive and kind to the soft spoken woman. At the second meeting the one who had previously made an aggressive comment smiled alot and upon leaving stated how much he enjoyed the group.

The atmosphere had changed without any stern lectures.

Candy had focused on attention for all and observed the refreshed atmosphere proved the desired effect. This had been her guidance, “Hold the wanted atmosphere oneself, and be the example. Reach for a light hearted presence.”

Story #2

Jenny had decided to stay married. Her partner, Bill, habitually drank and spoke derogatory and inflammatory comments. Undaunted J went about uplifting herself with close attention to what thoughts she entertained. A busy woman, this heroine had many projects that required her attention, student lessons to run and more.

Jen stopped being reactive to snide comments from her husband. No longer could he get her attention that way. J spoke with him directly, in neutral tones and kept herself satisfied inside with her many accomplishments. Each day she affirmed her good life, expected good and got it.

What about this marriage? Bill began slowly to become more positive. After awhile, this man went out of his way to do some kind and genuinely helpful things. B bought her a car when she needed one. This man stepped up to some urgent chores and more.

Did J “control him”. Not at all. She created an influence with her power within.

Do you have comments or questions on this post? Do you want to recount a tale of how you or another used this type of inner power? Please comment. We are changing the world each day with our inner capacities!

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[1] Ernest Holmes, 365 Science of Mind Reader, (New York, Jeremy P Tarcher/Penguin, 2007) 74

September 5, 2021
by Janet Pearlman
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The Flow That Impresses Us

We reach for keeping spirits as high as we can moment by moment. We do it because we feel happy right now. Let’s notice how some very impressive events, objects and more can show up as part of the flow.

Jackie had to cancel her vacation and was feeling a bit of envy for those who reported on wonderful trips this summer. To lift herself, J put attention on what she was appreciating in her now—there was a good-sized list!

The next day early in the morning Jackie said hello to a girlfriend, Tammy, and they texted back and forth. Tammy had organized a few women and planned to spend a day at a nearby lake. They were leaving in the morning and planned to spend all day. Jackie had a hair appointment scheduled right in the middle of the day, and though they discussed it, this heroine could not figure out a way to join the group with ease. The options involved so much running around. Ugh.

Jackie just let it go. There was talk of next week and J got focused on enjoying this day.

About a half hour that sound that signifies “You have a text” rang out. Tammy has some reason to shift the whole plan around and now proposes meeting late in the afternoon. Tammy lets J know she can now join them. Jackie agrees.

Ok our star then dives into her prep for the appointment and the outing: the bathing stuff, the food and more, driving one direction to the hair salon and then heading the other way to connect up with the group. Jackie was moseying along taking care of chores, cooking and organizing.

Meanwhile this dear woman has a slight disfunction in her ankle. J is moving slower this day. A different friend emails to say she has sent some remote healing and did she feel anything. “Actually, yes,” thinks Jackie, as she comes back inside from watering the garden. “Cool, my leg does feel improved. That’s fun.”

Then in just a few minutes, another email. Her hairdresser is informing her that he needs to reschedule the appointment for another day. This means Jackie is now free to go earlier to the lake, traveling in only one direction. She can even share the ride with Tammy.

Tammy loves the chance to move up the meet time and go to the water earlier in the day.

Somehow this protagonist is getting a lovely excursion, like a vacation day, and she just flowed along. Our heroine can move at a relaxed pace, take the food already prepared. And in the mix, her ankle feels better.

What a lovely day unfolded! They arrived just after a thunderstorm passed through. The temperature was perfect—both air and water. A few others joined them and a good relaxing venture was had by all.

Some folk might have put more effort into “making the original plan work” because she really, really wanted to go. Perhaps another might have called around, created possibilities with phone calls and texts to push for a fun day, holding thoughts like “I will bend this to my will!”

Instead, each of us can notice the pay off in staying with the flow of events. Jackie had the attitude to take the easiest path, not push against what unfolded. She thought, “Why not make “what is” ok right now?”

Do you have some experiences when you felt ease, relaxed and got unexpected delights? Oh we love to hear and share those!

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August 25, 2021
by Janet Pearlman
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It’s Ok to Feel Strong Emotion

Every human has experienced strong emotion. Why write a post about making it ok? Some of us have been practicing feeling as good as we can as much as we can. We want to spend more and more time in balance and feeling good. We don’t want to feel upset coursing through us and sometimes it does. Many of us have the habit of judging ourselves when we notice we are off track. Let’s build a strong habit of making the human process of growing ok.

Mary Frances attended a class every week. Early in the class on this fateful week, the leader asked attendees some questions that MF found personal and controversial. Then one of her fellow students, made a gesture to indicate that woman judged MF’s response. Wow she felt a spike of anger and humiliation. Yowser! Our star rallied, kept her reaction to herself, and then participated in the class. Fortunately, the class involved dance and music, and she gave herself to the process. She reached for enjoyment and found it.

Some after effect lingered.

After the class she went out with a friend and they talked over dinner. MF let it slip that something was bothering her and the friend wanted to support her. MF had an impulse to avoid discussing it, and then flowing with momentum shared about what had happened.

The Laws of the Universe tell us that when we review what we don’t want we tend to get more of it—and the feelings attached to it flow. Mary Frances felt the strong upset again. Her companion listened and explained the points of view of the others in that class circle, finding those perspectives reasonable and that in his mind there was no need for her to feel upset.

Did you ever notice once fiery emotion is running, a rational perspective does not affect that state right away? Sure enough, MF experienced a moment of salt in the wound. In that state of mind, it felt like he was taking the side against her.

Breathe. Our heroine did reach for changing the subject and went on to discuss lighter topics. She felt disappointed in herself that she had touched on the matter at all—tempting to think “She should have known better.”

She felt it was a clumsy exchange and wished for herself to demonstrate greater powers of self-mastery, not to talk about a fresh reactive blip. Included in all that reactivity was self judgment. At first she did not notice that.

But wait! Feeling anger, humiliation and hurt do not define her! Oh yes, these are only emotions passing through. Our star woke to remembering: It is ok to be thrown off balance and regain our composure. Experiences like this are what fuels growth! In fact the path to greater empowerment resembles what happened to her!

“What a relief!” said this dear woman to herself, “I have been judging myself for this experience and I want to drop that now! This self judgement is just a habit of thought. Phew! Good to notice!”

On your unfolding path of evolution have you experienced an incident like this? Want to share your story? Please comment! Your experiences enlighten us all!

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August 24, 2021
by Janet Pearlman
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Open to Self-Compassion

Many of us who are evolving and growing are encouraged to take stock of ourselves regularly and make course corrections. We want to notice our habits of thought and practice ones that serve us more constructively. In this process of unfolding, let’s put lots of emphasis on self-compassion along the way. Let’s make it ok to be just where we are at any moment even in those instances when we catch ourselves with an outdated perspective.

Some of us might judge ourselves for where we are, what we observe in ourselves.

In this post we illustrate a trip to self-judgment and how by finding kindness for ourselves, self-compassion, we might change more effectively and experience more joy on the journey.

Brenda wanted to get some advice from a spiritually attuned wise friend who had helped her in the past. She began, “I wonder if you can tell I have been crying. Are my eyes all puffy? I realize I have been inauthentic to Barry (this man I’ve been seeing). I wanted him to visit for longer and more frequently. Waking up to this has really triggered my emotion– it’s so upsetting! In a light way I asked him if he was running home to his girlfriend.

Oh Gosh. I am so bad. I really don’t want him to have a woman other than me!”

Brenda felt distraught, so ashamed of her behavior.

Is shaming oneself the most productive approach to our evolution? Not at all.

In Good Morning, I Love You Shauna Shapiro points out the chemical effect in our beings when we trigger shame. “When we feel shame the amygdala, the part of our brain that is central to memory, decision making and emotional responses, triggers a cascade of norepinephrine and cortisol chemicals that increase our stress level, narrow our perspectives n perceived ‘threats’ and inhibit our cognitive flexibility. Shame puts in the fight, flight or freeze survival response, thereby inhibiting the learning center of the brain… If we want to learn from our mistakes, we need a compassionate mind set, not shame. “[1]

What could Brenda say to herself that would be more constructive? Her trusted companion responded,

“First let’s understand why your dear one inside behaved that way. You meant to respect Barry. You did not want to demand too much from him or crowd him. We can see you were feeling your way to interest him, maintain the connection and the flow.”

“In this processing, you now discern your own inner desires. You do want more from him—exclusivity, a bit more commitment and closeness, perhaps more frequent visits. Isn’t that good to know and an important step. You have more clarity about what you want, always a good thing!

You have a bright future! When you feel ready, you can share with him that which you have learned about your deeper desires. You can accept yourself as you enjoy this companion. It’s ok to know you want something more committed. Will he be turned off when you inform him that you want that? We don’t know and you can call the shots.

You can support yourself as you prepare yourself to share more of your heart. You are worthy of your own love for yourself right now.”

Did this post offer some insight? Do you have a story about self-compassion to share? Please comment! We love empowering one another.

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[1] Shauna Shapiro, Good Morning, I Love You, (Boulder, CO, Sounds True, 2020) p. 79