Janet Pearlman

Living in the Stream of Yes

Growing Self Respect


As we walk a path of growth, we become more attuned to noticing our reactions. The power in noticing can be milked for greater insight. In the example below we read the guidance delivered to someone who feels hurt and discouraged from an exchange at her job. Please see if what’s offered provides a useful template for your own journey of unfolding. We will review the story from Ruby and the counseling she received.

I. The Incident

Golden One, Diptych 30 x 40, $990

Ruby attended a management meeting with her supervisor and section chiefs where each provided a status report. When our protagonist spoke, she commented that she felt tired a lot with her update to colleagues. After the gathering, one of the team complained to the boss that Ruby’s statement implied to them all that R worked harder than all of them.

In reaction the leader then cautioned Ruby more carefully to monitor how she spoke at these check ins. Our star felt misunderstood and disheartened by the exchange.  She sought counseling from Cassie, one with lots of experience in using upsets to further her growth.

II. Some New Thinking

Cassie said, “I am glad to offer some thoughts.   Do you feel hurt that that teammate took what you said as your promoting yourself unfairly?”

R replied, “Yes”

“You want to be respected and you feel that was lacking?”

R emphatically blurted, “Yes”

Cassie spoke, “First you want to let yourself rest, and recover from this uncomfortable meeting and your reactions to it. Maybe not discussing it with others right now nor reviewing it in your own mind.

Ruby ends the visit at that. In a couple of days and feeling better she calls her advisor.

This heroine begins, “What do you recommend now?”

C continues, “As you recognize your upset, you acknowledge that your feelings are up to you. In my metaphysical understanding, you are the one creating the feelings.  At first that might seem astonishing—You may have always assumed the cause is outside of yourself! Actually we are the ones who generate all this emotion.

To take responsibility then, you could start by listing what you appreciate. There is so much all around you: nature, objects, situations, family and more. What do you value? About what are you grateful?  List the ideas that flow easily.

I will brainstorm with you now.”

The dear guide began acknowledging aspects of R’s character. C was able to include some impressive accomplishments from what C had observed at Ruby’s workplace.

Ruby had managed a big project of her section expanding and relocating.  More than a year later measurement of her efforts showed goals had been exceeded every prediction of success by 50% and more. In addition, R had greatly increased her management skills in many ways including logistics, supervision, and more.

After Cassie’s roster of all these positive, she checked in with R.

R responded, “Yes, I feel so much better! What that co-worker said seems like no big deal now”

C continued, “To continue practicing on your own, I recommend taking time to appreciate morning and night. You may find that you begin to notice what you admire in your own demeanor, performance, handling of staff, interactions with your family and more. Appreciating ourselves often takes some focus and repetition.

As we feel better and better about ourselves, we see we have more patience and compassion for others. And then we receive some less than flattering commentary from whoever, we feel more resilient.

Fun metaphor: the gunk just slides off greased feathers — and the unwanted beading up, running off with no effect. As we affirm all of our cool qualities, we are less hurt by what is stated outside ourselves.”

III. Summary

Ruby learned much about herself from events she would not have chosen. Now she has the choice whether to beef herself up by doing some focus on appreciating. We are all rooting for her!

Do you have a question about this post? Do you want to share a story of insight flowing to you, or how you handled comments? Or please share some self appreciations. We allw ant to cheer one another on! Go for it!

Leave a Reply

Required fields are marked *.

(Mission statement here).