We each have some quality that others may consider a “flaw.”   In those moments of showing it, others may judge it and see us as lesser.  Then what do we do? Some personality styles may feel ashamed, guilty and unworthy. (Others might attack to go on offensive to defend self.) In order to feel better, we will shift our thinking and with it relieve those awful feelings we associate with the trait.

We each have some quality that others may consider a “flaw.”   In those moments of showing it, others may judge it and see us as lesser.  Then what do we do? Some personality styles may feel ashamed, guilty and unworthy. (Others might attack to go on offensive to defend self.) In order to feel better, we will shift our thinking and with it relieve those awful feelings we associate with the trait.

Example Needed

Wendy had practiced shifting her thinking for years. Yes she had known growth and recovery from many habits of thought, had forgiven many friends, family members, and herself. This star had gained courage to reach beyond limits in her performance that surprised and delighted her.

Wendy was a teacher and felt so embarrassed by a certain “thing she did.” Yes, she was loquacious—she got excited about a subject and had much to share on it. At times the effort to pay attention strained the listeners. Student evaluations occasionally mentioned this as did a comment or two by her supervisor.

Help to Reframe

Wendy brought up a recent incident with her trusted friend who helped her change her perspective where she felt so uncomfortable.

Here is some of the exchange:

Friend: “Wouldn’t it be great if we had a loyal and loving figure inside ourselves who adores us even when someone reacts to the length of our responses!”

To start let’s call talking at length – a feature—rather than a flaw.

It might be fun to list all the wonderful qualities. ‘I take much care and patience with attending to my students. I plan engaging class experiments, offer special teaching to ones who request it, offer feedback on student assignments with appreciations and encouragements. Many laugh at my jokes. They mention what they gained from the class. Some mention the kindness of the class environment.

Isn’t it helpful to notice the balance to my talkative feature.

Overall this dear woman received many more good evaluations than those finding fault. Let’s breathe that in.

When we feel ashamed and guilty, we feel so awful—let’s flood that space with acceptance. Let’s go rescue that hurt part of ourselves and soothe it.

Wendy: “I want to feel better. I do feel some soothing. Gosh I love recalling how I prevailed in a recent promotion process. My review committee looked at all my submissions, evaluations, scores, records and interviewed me multiple times. I got the upgrade after a many month procees! They found meritorious service and wanted more from me!”

Mindsets of Those Criticizing

Friend: “Yea, not only that! Let’s think about those offering negative feedback.

Maybe that student: always disliked his mother, had a headache at the time, is breaking up a romance, had a car accident on the way to class. Do we want to allow a grumpy person to stab us to the core of our self worth? Now that sounds so silly.”

Most key, let’s recall that when we feel shamed like that it is NOT the true value of our dear beings or our character. We can stop beating up ourselves for something like that. We are beloved shining with all our features. ”

Resolution

In this conversation, Wendy was able to change her feelings. In the past our heroine felt deep unworthiness about being “long winded.” This time she could see what ha been her responses with more compassion. She admitted she felt a lot better.

Do you have a story of how you turned around a strong reaction and grew? Please share it in the comments section.