This week I felt some strong emotion, deep uncomfortable self blame. In recent weeks I have had the longest stretch of happy higher good feeling ever. Each day I felt a sense of happiness and well being that I sustained for longer stretches than ever before, relishing my days and recovering from small blips easily. During that period things went amazingly well for me, events falling into place, wanted things showing up in remarkable ways.
When the self blame came there was no mistaking that I felt awful. The harshness of this episode made me feel quite ill at moments. I notice that I found neutral, and some of the discomfort was perpetrated by reviewing related events and how bad I felt– ( hey I can ease off the reviewing the bad part, DUH). What did I do for myself? Soothe, soothe, soothe. I swam, I visited with friends, I read a novel or two. More than once I day, I made lists of what I appreciate and people who I know care about me. Those thoughts remind me of good feelings even when I don’t feel them in the moment. These actions exemplify what I could call “reaching for relief”.
Sometimes inside me the habit is to think I AM bad because I FEEL bad. Dear Self and Dear Readers, I write to correct this MISPERCEPTION– Big TIME !!! I let life flow and before I knew it, I was feeling really good again. It was about three days till most of the day I felt happy at my higher level and stabilized in it. As I write this, I want to point out to myself, I was ” good enough”. I experienced feelings I do not want, a harsh inner judge reared its head. Part of the value of this episode is gaining further clarity– I felt feelings– it is ok to feel feelings– they do not label me! Looking back, part of the suffering is that I judged that I judged myself. Now feeling good again, it sounds silly to do that: for some of us, it is an old habit, now under transformation.
Isn’t it fabulous to notice how I headed for feeling better as best I could!! I wanted ease, and I wanted to distract myself. I wanted to take time to recover, and I wanted to make things ok.
With gusto I want to appreciate that I found my way back to feeling free and happy again in short time. YAY!. The darkness of the feelings actually do reflect back to me just how wonderful is the flow of and people unfolding for me. Let this week remind me of the variation on the ride of life. Somehow I am even happier for noticing how well I now recover to feeling very good again.
I share this in case some of you readers might have a habit of judging self. THAT VOICE IS NOT TRUE! Your life is an adventure and you easily recover. Please ride horses, play ball, go to movies do what you do to distract yourself and bring up the good feelings that represent your birthright!!!
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