This week I put out a couple of emails to interests on an internet dating site. Pretty routine except a good difference: I was feeling happy, sensing I had found some really quality men, and it was a pleasure to send them a note. One man stopped writing after two emails. The second one returned a note just as the first one was falling away and that felt good. I felt happy.
I had been picturing positive connection. I felt good vibes. The second person, we will call him Lyle, wrote a few sentences asking about my art and showing interest in coming to the area where I live to meet. I responded with enthusiasm.
That was three days ago and I have not received a response from Lyle. Though there are exceptions to the rule usually an interested person responds promptly within a day or so.
This week I have been soothing myself around these simple facts: I wrote, man wrote, I wrote– no response. You see, inside myself I have a voice saying “If only you had not been so enthusiastic” This, dear readers, is a self blame thought. That thought has sounded true in my head for many years, and it is a habitual one of which I am becoming more aware. This week it kept popping up.
I have been reaching for thoughts that feel better. Some thoughts take on resentment, bitterness. No I really don’t want to go there. Those don’t feel good. Yes I have been saying “apparently this is not a good match” and ” No, it is not right timing.” That starts better feeling.
I enjoy understanding myself. On the internet having only a little picture and profile write up those playing with dating here start to form a mental image. We sense both who this person might be and who we WANT him to be. As we meet him, there’s an adjustment to opening to how the person live and breathes when they are before us. In person so much more information about their person, their vibration, flows available to us.
Each day since that “next day” when I got no response, I have been letting it go more and more. This morning I awoke seeing my reactions with new clarity: in my life I was trained to please the other, adjusting myself in order to get along with them, starting with my parents. If I displease my parents with some behavior, I was trained to think I made a “mistake”. This is the “codependency” we have all heard and read about and I am learning how it operates in me. My thinking that I was “wrong” to express enthusiasm is a form of codependent thinking.
Abraham says that we want to feel happy on our own steam and then….. So the fact that I was reacting to what a man says or does — that this reaction disturbed my happiness is not recommended– though reacting is what most of us do in this culture. The feeling good regardless of how others behave and react is “the work”. I want to soothe myself and notice I am getting more and more stable in maintaining my happiness on my own steam in the flow of receiving or not receiving notes of response :).
Cute newsflash: before this post went online, I got an email from a new man. He is an attractive, intelligent man who lives locally. I soothed myself and then… Good flowed to me :). Next day, second newsflash: Ron did write. All that internal “scolding” about too much enthusiasm seems to be quite untrue– outdated self critical tapes. He reports looking forward to meeting me. (p.s. I let him go out of my mind and then he sent me a message.)
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